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THE FOG (2005)
Director: Rupert Wainwright, who as all the adverts stress, directed Stigmata (1999). You'd think they'd want to keep that fact a secret... Hacktors: Tom Welling, Maggie Grace, Selma Blair. Rating/5: 
The lowdown: I've nothing against the idea of horror remakes, as long as they're worth doing. I actually prefer the post-millennial versions of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and Dawn Of The Dead to their originals. So I approached the 2005 remake of John Carpenter's 1980 spook-fest with an open mind. Despite the fact that it is rated PG-13. And despite the fact that it is directed by the guy who directed that forgettable Exorcist riff, Stigmata. After all, John Carpenter and the late Debra Hill produced this baby, right? How bad could it be? The new story is similar in some ways to that of the original, but often goes off on tangents, which is no problem in itself. Elizabeth (Grace) returns to the small town of Antonio Bay after six months, surprising her boyfriend Nick (Welling) who she ran out on. Selma Blair is local DJ Stevie Wayne (also the name of the character originally played by Adrienne Barbeau) whose son Andy (Cole Heppell) is often looked after by his Aunt Connie. Thrown into the mix is wisecracking black dude Spooner (DeRay Davis), the alcoholic Father Malone (Adrian Hough). A few of the characters are linked by the virtue of being related to the town's four founding fathers, men of alleged courage and honor who made Antonio Bay what it is. As we discover, though, their karma is less than spotless and certain wronged parties want revenge on the town. Cue fog and murderous seamen... Good points: Hear that bristly sound? It's me, rubbing my chin, trying to think. Advances in CGI and (possibly) budget enable the film-makers to lend the fog itself a certain subtlety which Carpenter and his dry ice machines couldn't quite manage. There are some nice shots of the fog curling around a ship, suggesting that the mist is a living entity. DeRay Davis is charismatic as Spooner and gets some good lines - especially one laugh-out-loud gag about Chicago. Okay, now I'm wracking my brains. Ah yes: the new version of Aunt Connie's fate (originally that of Mrs Kobritz) actually manages to be comparable to the original scene. It goes in a completely different direction, but is actually quite a strong horror moment... for a bloodless PG-13 affair. There's also a fairly good reprise of the original's 'walking dead' scene, in a morgue, which offers up one of the few hints at a chill. Right. As you can probably tell, I'm bursting at the seams with resentment... Bad points: The Fog is so bad that it actually managed to make me angry. Chief offender is the script, which comes across like the first draft accidentally wafted onto set. People say and do stupid things, and not in a good slasher movie kinda way. Logic is not at home here. For instance, we're expected to believe that in this age of communication via text, e-mail and various other mediums, Elizabeth hasn't spoken to Nick or her mother since upping and leaving town. Good God, they would have had the police out! Also, one minor character starts to develop very noticeable signs of disease on his face, but no-one mentions it or even vaguely reacts. As usual in bad horror movies, someone becomes obsessed with the town's murky past and uncovers bags of exposition courtesy of an ancient journal (because that's what you'd do if your town was over-run by undead seafarers: intently read a book, to discover what their motives are). There's a truly bizarre scene in which Nick and Elizabeth's car gets its window smashed in, then Father Malone shouts something incomprehensible at them, for no apparent reason, other than to wring another poor shock effect out of this wretched mess. While we're on the subject of cars, the script is obsessed with them and accidents involving them. Also, glass. Glass is a big deal here. There's a 'broken glass' gag at every available opportunity: I counted three of them within the space of five minutes. People are thrown through windows, glass explodes in people's faces... the list goes on. While Carpenter's undead were hook-wielding, tangible slashers - scary as all hell - the new Fog downplays the hacking and renders its spooks as transparent, presumably because some CGI guy said he could do it at a meeting. Cheers, CGI guy. There's more emphasis on the fog's destructive powers, which admittedly makes sense to an extent as it's more unique. But fans craving some evil seamen action will be sorely disappointed. As is horribly typical of current horror films, too, the salty seadogs are painted in a fairly sympathetic light, with handy flashbacks to the 19th century to show that - gasp - they used to be all right. Which makes them far less frightening now, much like Samara in the remade Ring flicks. The more you know about the object of fear, the less fear it generates. I'm starting to calm down, now. Just about. I'll leave you by pointing out that the ending is one of the most cringeworthy and downright stupid things I've ever witnessed in a horror movie. That bad enough for you? Overall: The Fog 2005 is an affront to the memory of the original. If it achieves anything, it may prompt multiplex crowds to rent or buy Carpenter's movie and see how vastly, painfully superior it was. It must be said as well, though, that Carpenter's involvement here as producer only makes the disappointment more bitter. Release Date: Hits cinemas today in the States. Doesn't reach the UK until February 23 2006, amazingly enough. [Home] © Copyright Slasherama 2002-present |